Random doors

Finally the door opened and my aunt, her husband and two of her kids came out. I had waited outside for a while, didn't want to disturb their goodbye and I wanted to be alone with him. I had been sobbing for a good fifteen minutes already; the meeting with his frail 98 year old sister was too much for me. After many many decades they again lived under the same roof. For a little more than a week.

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My grandma is bored at her rehab home. She's not a complainer, rather the opposite, but it's pretty evident she's not very impressed. Not much rehab is going on during the holidays anyway so we get her out of there and home to her house as much as possible. The doors to her room at the home are automatic to help the weak oldies open them. Sometimes the door open and close open and close at random times, both day and night. Which is pretty annoying and a damn good metaphor describing my career. Random doors opening as I passed by.

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I entered, not really sure what to expect. He was never a chubby person, always lean, fit and strong. Recently less and less strong and more and more skinny. Still I whimpered when I saw how thin he looked, skin and bones only. Hadn't seen him since early August. I sat for a few minutes, looking at him, playing with his hair - the only thing that felt the same as before, his skin cold from the freezer. I didn't really want to leave, but spending time with the dead will not make up the for the time I didn't spend with him when he was alive. There and then I longed for a regular job I can do anywhere and close to my family. As so many times before during the last few years. I blew out the candles the staff at the home had lit for us, washed my hands, opened the door and left without looking back. I wish I had stayed longer, but people were waiting for me.

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My dad says the company he works for needs people with my skills. Would be nice but I've always said I want to try the academic thing first. I still do, but the events of the last few weeks has made me seriously consider alternatives. There is a uni in this part of the country, but from a purely professional perspective it wouldn't be on my short list of places I want to end up. I'm not seriously looking for new jobs just three months after starting my new job, but in a year or two I need to decide whether to climb up the stairs to the next floor in the academic house or just grab my coat, open the door and venture out in the alternative, some of my friends would say "real", world.

Or maybe I'll just wait for that random door to open as they did before when I needed to move on.

scientiae-carnival