More weight

The June Scientiae is up at Thus Spake Zuska; go over and read! The theme - adding weight - is always something I've had trouble with. I usually add too much body weight, but that's not what I'm talking about. The weight that really matters - taking up space in my life is usually difficult. Even when it comes to what matters the most - the Goose.

Her Dad and I haven't had any big conflicts about her after we separated. I left for a three-month postdoc in Switzerland and it was obvious she should stay with him in Sweden. The three months turned in to one year, and life took a new turn as I met Hypoglycemiadude. I got a postdoc in France and continued to travel back to Sweden to see the Goose. Happy I was when I got a job in Sweden although Ms J was offered a postdoc in Norway about the same time.

After a couple of months of not really talking about it, we sat down an evening in May to discuss what to do; the Trønder, Ms J and I. It was evident they had - without really thinking a lot about it - thought that the Goose would move with them to Norway. Because they have another child and would not like to separate the sisters. Because the Trønder's parents live in the area they're moving to. I obviously understand all these arguments but I'm of course also eager to spend more time with the Goose since I've been away for half of her life already. We didn't really get much further that night and I spent a couple of weeks being really sad, frustrated and flat out depressed. Since the separation with her father was my bad - even after four years it still makes me physically ill to think about it - , I have been reluctant to be very demanding if there are any signs of conflict of interest about the Goose. So far it hasn't been the case. But now I can't just stand by and watch them decide.

*poof*

Inspired by Zuska's Scientiae theme I decided to take up some more space in my own life. I wrote an e-mail to the Trønder outlining all my frustration over the fact that we haven't really discussed any alternative solutions. Among other things I threw out the suggestion that maybe Ms J could commute while he could keep the house and the kids in Sweden. I did a lot of editing to not send off something that would make things really bad but I still had hours and days of considerable angst untill we spoke again. Thoughts ranging from ohmygawdIveruinedeverything to fuckitIhavetherighttodemanddiscussionaboutwhathappenswithmykid.

Communication has been very good since that. I got a short email back after a few hours saying my frustration was justified, it's obviously not easy for anyone, we haven't decided anything and we'll think more about alternatives and get back to you. Today as I called to speak to the Goose, the Trønder told me they are actually willing to try one of my suggestions - one of those I thought would be thrown in the bin labelled "unrealistic". Ms J will commute for a while whereas the Trønder will stay in Sweden with the kids. Time will tell if it will last, but at least they're willing to try. How fucking awesome is that?

Lesson learned: ask nicely, present your case and you may in fact get what you want. I'll try that again when I need to. And thanks Zuska for the metaphorical kick in the ass to do something. I certianly needed it - pathetic but very true.